Monday, November 12, 2007

Things Not To Do On I-76.

"Yes, Officer… I believe I gave you the finger."

Those words actually came out of my mouth on my way home from work tonight.

I am usually very good about shelving my road rage. I listen to good music and I tell myself "I will get to where I need to be in the time it takes me to get there."

Tonight was HELL on the Schuylkill. So, in order to make things a bit better I decided to just remain calm, toss on some tunes, and drive reasonably.

Some things to know about me: I like to fantasize that I can control weird stuff. Like the wind, for instance. When I was six I held up my hand when it was really windy and I said, "stop wind" and it did. It was cool. And every once in a while I can still get it to work.

Same goes for traffic, but it's a tad more realistic and tactical. I figure, what's the point in speeding up to the next car when I can just drive 25 mph and not have to stop all the time. So, that’s what I do and subsequently all the cars behind me seem to have a faster trip. I feel like I actually help the traffic find it's way towards a healthy flow.

Well, I'm doing my thing, very pleased with myself and things are going fine. I pass the car pulled over to the right with a flat tire, which appears to be the reason for the terrible gawker delay. I'm in the left lane and it starts to open up. I decide that instead of speeding up I'm just going to accelerate to 55 mph (which is the speed limit, mind you) and take it easy, because I KNOW that in about three miles another section of highway will merge with 76. Because four lanes becoming two sucks and my stretch is full of them before I can get off to West River drive.

This is when things get...interesting.

I'm driving along and all of a sudden this asshole is right on my tail. I flip down my rearview and I'm starting to get pissed because I KNOW in a few minutes we're all going to be jammed up again and what’s the point in getting to it at 80 mph?
I get the headlight flash and the engine rev and my patients is starting to bottom out. 10 mph more can't hurt me I say to myself and begrudgingly hit the gas. No result. This fucking guy is so close to me that, at times, his headlights are partially blocked by the back of my car. Headlights flash at me again and now I've had it.

Volume on my tunes goes up and I yell, "Alright, Mother Fucker, you wanna fuckin dance? Let's dance!"

I floor it.

Now, I'm clocking near on 85 mph and this son-of-a-bitch accelerates to meet me and dips into the parallel lane.

And it's time.

Its just TIME to give this douche bag the middle finger!

A full on-tensed forearm-middle fucking finger!

I give it with as much gusto and contempt as I can muster. The form and delivery is flawlessly executed and the only thing left to do to make it a complete gesture of fuck-you-ness is to look this jerk right in the goddamn eyes.

And when I do I am met with “the look” (the one only parents or wives can give as if to say, “Did you just do what I think you did?”), a point downward to indicate the Pennsylvania State Trooper logo blazing across the car, and lastly the siren and the lights.

I pull to the shoulder and hand him my license and registration and when I’m asked why I thought I was pulled over I can only say,

“Yes Officer…I believe I gave you the finger.”

“Yes…yes you did, young man.”

What happened next amazed even me. It was one of those times when words just start to come out of your mouth and all you can do is watch them leave while you stand beside yourself screaming, ~what the hell are you doing?~

“I’m sorry that I did that, Officer, but I gotta tell ya that you were on my ass pretty bad back there and I felt like I was forced into: a.) Speeding and b.) Flipping you off, by your actions. And quite frankly, I felt a bit scared that you were going to cause me to have an accident.”

Shocked and stunned the trooper says:

“Well…this is a warning…and don’t ever let this happen again. Understand?”

“Yes, Officer. Thank you.”

I got off with a warning because I was right, I was right, I was right!

Suck on it popo!

So, having spent a considerable amount of Karma points all in one shot this evening, I am in need of ways to earn some back fast.

Any suggestions?