Friday, December 21, 2007

Wrapped up, like Hal.

What I want this year, I cannot have. What I want can’t be purchased and yet it comes at a price I cannot afford. Or rather, I’m not willing to pay. What I want has been given to me many times by many people in many different ways. But so rarely does it come from the right person in the right way. And just as often as I have been careless when I had it, it has it bled from me without asking for any in return. I had not been ready for it and it has not been ready for me. What I want is something like what this was:

“for ahren in math class from (T.R.) in physics.”

coo, coo, ca, choo….

“Our first ice cream” I laughed when you said it
because i always think of things like that. I am pretty
sure that yesterday was the first time I ever
kissed you in the sunshine. Is that right? Emily
said to me last night, “You + Ahren are so good
for each other. You guys are a lot alike but you’re
different too so you can fill in all the spaces in each
other. Not everyone can do that.”
“Our first ice cream.” It’s so perfect that you said
that. Perfect.

“Your love is better than ice cream, better
than anything else that I’ve tried…”

And there it is. As simple and as complicated as it could ever be at a young age. Now there are other things to consider. Distance is harder to bridge. It becomes the space where you wish to raise children, where family and friends are, where careers need to be nurtured. Distance ceases to be a challenge or adventure and turns into a reality and fact of life. And sometimes it cannot be overcome.

And so…

I choose to give up on the notion you will ever come back.
I choose to give up looking for you around every corner.
I choose to wait for you to come to me.
I choose to be mute.
To shut you out.
To sit down right where I am and close my eyes and ears.
To be solitary.
To lock up what little warmth I have left inside me.
To lie, cheat, steal, and scream to keep myself safe.

And I reserve the right to fight you tooth & nail, to the death if necessary.

From now on, to rip it from my chest will take nothing short of grace, divinity, and an army of angels at your back.

“I believe this is heaven to no one else but me. And I’ll defend as long as I can be left here to linger in silence. If I choose to, would you try to understand it?”


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