Love & Ghosts

When I’m home I visit haunts. I go to places of my youth to see how they’ve changed; I’ve changed. I sit in parks, on swings where I flew, I drive by old girlfriend’s houses, think about mistakes and triumphs. At times, this pilgrimage to the ruins of my childhood is pleasant and cathartic. I think that’s why I do it, really. It gives me a base. Perspective. There are moments, however, when this journey to dust leaves me reeling.

In the midst of my best friend getting married, I am crushed under the weight of over thought. I have never been happier for one of my friends and yet, at the same time, I’ve never been more envious and jealous. Two things that I rarely am. This is of course an extreme compliment to my two friends. Let me explain.

I look at this couple, P. and E., and I think to myself how much their decision to get married is the right one. How much sense it makes to me.

People often say, “They compliment each other so well.”

I disagree with this statement, in general. Complimentary, in my mind, means two halves that complete. The void of Yin that Yang fills and vice versa. It supposes, in a roundabout way, that, on their own, they are somehow less.

P. and E. are not complimentary to each other. They are fantastic, wonderful, and caring human beings in their own right, but together they are the best of each other, exemplified, magnified, even at their worst.

I can only imagine what that must feel like.

When P. talks about E. an amazing phenomenon happens in front of my eyes. I know it’s all psychological, but here’s what happens.

When P. talks about E. his words seem to form in front of him as if they were smoke. This smoke gathers, builds, changes shape and color until, finally, it drifts away. I can only speculate that this cloud of words, color, music, and love finds it’s way to E. and washes over her. Permeating her skin or is drawn in by her breath.

This phenomenon happens every single time, without fail, and it is the most beautiful trick my mind has ever played on me.

So, here I am bursting with joy and envy all at the same time. I equate this to scuba diving in quicksand. You can breath, but you sure as hell aren’t going anywhere soon.
I’m not sure what to do with myself in this present state other than to accept it and stay open to the experience it has to offer. That is what a certain friend would advise I am sure. There is a lesson in all of this and, more than likely, it’s the size of a Mac-Truck in front of my eyes.

But, for now I haunt the places that haunt me. I wait as openly and patiently as I can for answers to questions I haven’t the ability to formulate. And, most importantly, I revel in the glory and love shared between two people I admire and adore, in the hopes that smoke will someday gather at my lips and, in turn, by the other, fill my lungs.